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Socially Handicapped

Dear Journal,

An entry I really didn't think would be first entry but here it is...
I'm socially handicapped, for some reason I can never stay friends or in some way communication feels weird at some point.
Socially handicapped also in the sense that I can never keep in contact with people but for some reason...people always miss me.
Then, that moment to reach out to the other, to somehow get in some kind of contact it never happens or its lost and once again, I missed.
I guess because I'm always missed that moment to keep in contact is missed as well.

Maybe I try to hard...
Maybe I don't try hard enough...

I always feel like that in friendship, either I come up too short of I come off too strong either way the friendship begins to drift then crumbles.

Like most girls I dream about my wedding what its going to be like, think of some details here and there mostly things I see from We TV or something. Then there's that moment when I come to think about the bridal court or my maid of honor or who I want to be there and I feel like half the people I may invite won't even care or will have some kind of excuse to get out of it...
It sucks to feel this way even way before it actually happens that no one will even care to share this moment with me.

Which brings me to the topic that has been bugging me on and off the past year, ever since my 21st birthday. I felt like no one cared, especially those who know my personality, and really knew how I wanted to celebrate it lets just say I didn't get that "21st birthday drink" (I was completely sober) I didn't have to be drunk but at least be surrounded by friends, have a good time, something! A birthday I will never forget...because no one cared to celebrate this supposed "momentous" occasion.

I really try to not let it bother me, but its hard seeing that everyone else is pretty much celebrating their 21st how they wanted, but for me everyone is just a little too busy for one day, just a little too busy.
I'm trying to suck it up, trying to celebrate everyone elses 21st and hoping that their happiness will be enough, but it hasn't taken its effect yet.

A person once said to me, "What's the big deal? Its just another year to get older." I should have listened to those words instead of having high expectations for flop birthday. And now there's no way of fixing it cause its over and done...
I try to think about other kids who don't even get this chance, get this moment  I'll just treasure the small moments I had on my actual day, my brother giving me my first legal beer at midnight and my friend taking me to the diner and getting my first "Happy Birthday" moment in a restaurant. Its just those moments that I'll treasure cause they make me smile, but I can't help to be a little sour.

Well that helped to write it out, see it in print now its officially and permanently here as my first entry and that's fine. :)

Truly yours,


November 2012

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