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My battle...

Dear Patrick,

I just wanted to lay everything out there because I haven't in the past. I would keep everything bottled up not just from you but from everyone that I love. I've been bottling my emotions and my feelings for so long and I'm finally bursting out.
It's hard to love someone so much and not have it returned I understand that that's why I was showing my love in other way to prove to you that I'm always there but I guess it wasn't enough. Its hard when you love someone and the people that you love do not want to understand that.
I've been battling these emotions for so long and it takes longer when you go at it on your own. In my case it's taken so long and I've worn out your patience because I never expressed myself, my fears.
There were so many times I just wanted to put my fears away and just be with you but I let those fears consume me so much that I've lost sight of the love that was right in front of me.
I wanted to start new with you I didn't want you to be my secret anymore I want to openly be with you and I was fighting for that but you didn't know because I kept it from you and it would have just ended in an argument.
I wanted to embrace you in public so everyone can see our love and it was something I wanted to experience with you and I didn't even consider that in my last relationship.
I wanted to share our love with everyone so they can see how real we were but you're not giving me the time to explain this to you. There is so much you don't know and it sucks because I just want some time to express this to you and to your face because that's the kind of respect you deserve. I know how you were in your last relationships and you deserved so much better I wanted to give that you but I had to go through the arguments with my parents first in order to clear the road for us. I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to get you involved or have a different perspective of my parents.
I kept so many things to myself because I wanted to fix everything and show that I'm put together.
Now I'm here...in love with someone who isn't love with me anymore and it sucks because its my first love and this isn't quite how imagined it.
I wish I knew what was on your mind...I wish I wasn't so scared and blind.
I wish I allowed you to talk to me more about us...
I wish this was just a start of our love story but I also need to realize this is reality.
I try not to communicate with you but its hard I want to still be here and be relevant in your life but I know that you've moved on and that's what I always told you because I was scared. I always have the hope that you may be missing me but that's not the case...anymore anyways. My relationship with you has evolved and I just want to know when it was...I just want to have that moment with you to have some questions answered.
I want to start over...I was young I was damaged and I feel now I can be the woman you truly deserve because you deserve so much.
These are the feelings I've been bottling in so much...
I just need to know what to do...everyone is telling me to wait but they don't know us they don't know our dynamic.
As the days go by I feel like maybe I don't know...maybe I don't know you anymore and that's saddens me deeply.
I took pride in knowing you so well...that I could cheer you up something as silly as the FB quiz I knew more than anyone who has known for years. That made me smile. Maybe those are just memories unfortunately...I don't want them to be because I want to fight for you and make new and better memories but how can I when someone else has taken my place.
But I don't want that to happen we've gone through so much for you to just flip on me! I don't want to give up on you! I want to fight for you but there's a line...a line many may find undesirable me trying to get you to love me again. I feel like I'm back at square one! Battling with myself again...I don't know what to do, what I should do. Work doesn't even get my mind of it, sleep doesn't...I don't know what to do.
I'm just typing and typing trying to get my feeling out there...I don't even know if I'm really expressing myself correctly...
I'm debating whether or not to contact your cousin or your sister to find out what's going on and if its really worth it...

I don't know I just don't know...
All I know is that I love you and its killing me not hearing from you.
I want to believe if you really did love me you wouldn't end it like this ... God put us together there's a reason and it has to be a huge reason for us to walk away from each other.

I'll just end the entry with this...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Love,
Sweet Cheeks

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November 2012

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