Log in

Nov. 11th, 2012

My battle...

Dear Patrick,

I just wanted to lay everything out there because I haven't in the past. I would keep everything bottled up not just from you but from everyone that I love. I've been bottling my emotions and my feelings for so long and I'm finally bursting out.
It's hard to love someone so much and not have it returned I understand that that's why I was showing my love in other way to prove to you that I'm always there but I guess it wasn't enough. Its hard when you love someone and the people that you love do not want to understand that.
I've been battling these emotions for so long and it takes longer when you go at it on your own. In my case it's taken so long and I've worn out your patience because I never expressed myself, my fears.
There were so many times I just wanted to put my fears away and just be with you but I let those fears consume me so much that I've lost sight of the love that was right in front of me.
I wanted to start new with you I didn't want you to be my secret anymore I want to openly be with you and I was fighting for that but you didn't know because I kept it from you and it would have just ended in an argument.
I wanted to embrace you in public so everyone can see our love and it was something I wanted to experience with you and I didn't even consider that in my last relationship.
I wanted to share our love with everyone so they can see how real we were but you're not giving me the time to explain this to you. There is so much you don't know and it sucks because I just want some time to express this to you and to your face because that's the kind of respect you deserve. I know how you were in your last relationships and you deserved so much better I wanted to give that you but I had to go through the arguments with my parents first in order to clear the road for us. I didn't tell you this because I didn't want you to get you involved or have a different perspective of my parents.
I kept so many things to myself because I wanted to fix everything and show that I'm put together.
Now I'm here...in love with someone who isn't love with me anymore and it sucks because its my first love and this isn't quite how imagined it.
I wish I knew what was on your mind...I wish I wasn't so scared and blind.
I wish I allowed you to talk to me more about us...
I wish this was just a start of our love story but I also need to realize this is reality.
I try not to communicate with you but its hard I want to still be here and be relevant in your life but I know that you've moved on and that's what I always told you because I was scared. I always have the hope that you may be missing me but that's not the case...anymore anyways. My relationship with you has evolved and I just want to know when it was...I just want to have that moment with you to have some questions answered.
I want to start over...I was young I was damaged and I feel now I can be the woman you truly deserve because you deserve so much.
These are the feelings I've been bottling in so much...
I just need to know what to do...everyone is telling me to wait but they don't know us they don't know our dynamic.
As the days go by I feel like maybe I don't know...maybe I don't know you anymore and that's saddens me deeply.
I took pride in knowing you so well...that I could cheer you up something as silly as the FB quiz I knew more than anyone who has known for years. That made me smile. Maybe those are just memories unfortunately...I don't want them to be because I want to fight for you and make new and better memories but how can I when someone else has taken my place.
But I don't want that to happen we've gone through so much for you to just flip on me! I don't want to give up on you! I want to fight for you but there's a line...a line many may find undesirable me trying to get you to love me again. I feel like I'm back at square one! Battling with myself again...I don't know what to do, what I should do. Work doesn't even get my mind of it, sleep doesn't...I don't know what to do.
I'm just typing and typing trying to get my feeling out there...I don't even know if I'm really expressing myself correctly...
I'm debating whether or not to contact your cousin or your sister to find out what's going on and if its really worth it...

I don't know I just don't know...
All I know is that I love you and its killing me not hearing from you.
I want to believe if you really did love me you wouldn't end it like this ... God put us together there's a reason and it has to be a huge reason for us to walk away from each other.

I'll just end the entry with this...

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark 
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickle's compass come: 
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
   If this be error and upon me proved,
   I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Sweet Cheeks

Nov. 9th, 2012

I don't want to believe it...

Dear Love,

There's so much going on and I have no one to turn to...there's so much going on and I'm being left in the dark. Please come back to me. I just want things to be back to how they were but better. I don't want to believe you're like every guy and I don't want to believe you're just like him...ugh. Just the thought of HIM irks me. He's a non factor in my life and I want you to be a factor in my life.
History is honestly repeating itself and not in my favor.

I don't want to believe that you're like him please, please come back to me. 
I know I haven't been easy and I've been so complicated but I've changed to be a better woman for you.
You're the reason why I smile when I think about you. 
The reason my heart skips when you text or call. I love that feeling and I will feel it as long as you're in my life.

We've gone through so much...I've put so much of your crap and you've done the same for me. Lets not throw that all away...
You've been so patient and I haven't overlooked that...please realize that soon my love.

I don't want to believe you're like the other boys who roam this earth...I don't want to...

Oct. 24th, 2012

Getting some thoughts out...

Soo I managed to sleep last night...more like fell asleep due to exhaustion. It sucks when things don't go your way and it doesn't help to force them to go your way.
And it sucks to be in love with someone who is in love or falling in love with someone else. I hope this isn't a foreshadow to my further cause that would blow major chunks. I guess I need to have less free time...And possibly moving away will help.
I just can't do this again fighting for a friendship a person really doesn't want but its hard to let it go and let it take its course...


I miss him...
I miss his embrace...
I miss his mind, his thoughts...
I miss so much about him...

Oct. 23rd, 2012

Night 1

Dear Babe,

I have finally resorted to writing out my feelings rather than keeping them all bottled up inside.
This is just one of the many nights I just stay up thinking about you, thinking about what we've been through, reading old messages/texts, and thinking about all our memories mostly good so don't worry. =)
I would send this to you but you've been ignoring me. I get it you're busy but busy people make time for their loved ones and base on your last text to me I assume you see me a loved one...
I care about you so much but I don't know how to convey it without being over the top or for you to believe me.
I've tried everything to reach out to you...call you, text you, e-mail you and its like nothing will do to change anything or how you feel now.
That's why I made that move to go see you...the other night I had to see you I wanted to see you but I think it was one sided...I hugged you and didn't want to let go. I left but I didn't really want to leave because I didn't know when I would see you again...
That night I wanted to say sooo much but I didn't want to ruin the moment I wanted to be in the moment with you.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to get here but I was just in the wrong spot in my life...everyone says its never to late but it clearly was when I sent that e-mail professing how I feel about you and the response you gave me. Your response...the silence killed me but I wanted to keep trying and I think I'm going to keep trying.

I'll wait for you because I want you in my life ... even if its just as friends but I really want to be a dear friend because I always have your best interest at heart and I want you to be the best form of yourself...you're intriguing person and I regret I didn't get to immerse myself in what you had to offer.

I'll keep trying =)

Jan. 23rd, 2011

...what to do...

I haven't found my love ... but I feel like I have...


I've been hoping that some other person will come his way just to alleviate all of this...

Cause its been a lot on me and it has gotten worse because my parents got involved. In no way, shape, or form do they like the kidd, I would be totally offended if he wanted to be friends but because he wants more than a friendship my parents disliking him I'm very indifferent to it. That may seem kind of harsh but when you try to help someone out and they refuse it what else can you do? I'm not trying to be selfish but I can't always be there because I have to worry about my own life.
Its just been so much pressure and I'm ready to release the cork.

I'm not perfect, I'm not everything you want. We have very different lives and I don't think that will ever converge but I want to fix it...


Jan. 20th, 2011

...little scared...

I'm a little scared...scared of the world. I feel as if I'm not prepared to face the big outside world.
Maybe because I feel like I still don't know what I want to be or who I am or where I want to go from here. Its scary not knowing what will be and not having any control of your ultimate fate. A fate that isn't revealed to you unless in some obscure way.
I want to be in control, I need to be in control of my future and where I want my life to bring to me.
Things are gonna have to change and its going to have to begin with me because ultimately I have control of my destiny and if I want to leave some kind of impact on this world whether big or small...I really need to make some changes in my life. And these changes will hopefully benefit not only me but my family because they have done so much for me because without them...I would be totally lost.

And I love them very much.


Dec. 17th, 2010

Writer's Block: Eye for an eye?

If you bumped into someone who regularly picked on you as a child, what would you say to them?

I would really want to ask, "why?" because its just that question you want the answer to but in the end unfortunately you will never get the truthful answer soo I would rather hope karma hit them in some way, shape, or form (devious smile).

No kidding, I would probably say, "Hey, how are you? Cool. Bye. There's really nothing you can do just gotta leave that in the past no need to bring that mess back to the present.

Just gotta keep rollin' with life, most things happen for a reason and those things makes you, you.

Socially Handicapped

Dear Journal,

An entry I really didn't think would be first entry but here it is...
I'm socially handicapped, for some reason I can never stay friends or in some way communication feels weird at some point.
Socially handicapped also in the sense that I can never keep in contact with people but for some reason...people always miss me.
Then, that moment to reach out to the other, to somehow get in some kind of contact it never happens or its lost and once again, I missed.
I guess because I'm always missed that moment to keep in contact is missed as well.

Maybe I try to hard...
Maybe I don't try hard enough...

I always feel like that in friendship, either I come up too short of I come off too strong either way the friendship begins to drift then crumbles.

Like most girls I dream about my wedding what its going to be like, think of some details here and there mostly things I see from We TV or something. Then there's that moment when I come to think about the bridal court or my maid of honor or who I want to be there and I feel like half the people I may invite won't even care or will have some kind of excuse to get out of it...
It sucks to feel this way even way before it actually happens that no one will even care to share this moment with me.

Which brings me to the topic that has been bugging me on and off the past year, ever since my 21st birthday. I felt like no one cared, especially those who know my personality, and really knew how I wanted to celebrate it lets just say I didn't get that "21st birthday drink" (I was completely sober) I didn't have to be drunk but at least be surrounded by friends, have a good time, something! A birthday I will never forget...because no one cared to celebrate this supposed "momentous" occasion.

I really try to not let it bother me, but its hard seeing that everyone else is pretty much celebrating their 21st how they wanted, but for me everyone is just a little too busy for one day, just a little too busy.
I'm trying to suck it up, trying to celebrate everyone elses 21st and hoping that their happiness will be enough, but it hasn't taken its effect yet.

A person once said to me, "What's the big deal? Its just another year to get older." I should have listened to those words instead of having high expectations for flop birthday. And now there's no way of fixing it cause its over and done...
I try to think about other kids who don't even get this chance, get this moment  I'll just treasure the small moments I had on my actual day, my brother giving me my first legal beer at midnight and my friend taking me to the diner and getting my first "Happy Birthday" moment in a restaurant. Its just those moments that I'll treasure cause they make me smile, but I can't help to be a little sour.

Well that helped to write it out, see it in print now its officially and permanently here as my first entry and that's fine. :)

Truly yours,